Big Little Wolf, a freelance writer, journalist and single parent, shares with SIngleDad.com why she loves to date single dads and divorced fathers.
A Woman's Praise for the Divorced Dad
| Author: D. A. Wolf | Posted: 11/19/09 | ||
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Divorced Dad? You're my kind of man!
My post-divorce life began about eight years ago, with two wonderful young boys, and a lot of trepidation at what stretched ahead. My post-divorce dating life took a little longer. I was, admittedly, preoccupied with my children, wanting to stabilize the world for them first. I returned to the dating pool a few years later, amusingly, at the insistence of my then 12-year old son.
While there's no "Divorced Dad Dater" certification (maybe there should be?) and there's also no "Divorced Dads are Dynamite Dates" medal (an opportunity?), I believe I qualify to speak on the subject with a certain, mmm... authority. In five years of dating I've covered considerable ground, sampling separated men, divorced men, widowers, and those who've never married. I've also dated my own age, considerably older, and considerably younger, as well as men with kids and men without. I've even dated on two continents!
What's my conclusion? I love dating divorced dads!
First - a word about baggage
"Baggage" is a term that's thrown around on nearly every internet dating profile, and in face-to-face discussions as (all too many) adults try to shortcut the getting-to-know-you phase. And it's a term used in a negative light. I'd like to try to derail that idea - life is, after all, a journey. And can you possibly imagine not heading out on such a journey with some something in tow, and gathering more treasures along the way?
What if we didn't think of our experiences - good and bad - as burdens brought into future relationships? What if they were lessons, memories, joys that let us know there are more to come, and yes, disappointments that make us more appreciative of what is truly essential?
Of course single parents have complicated lives. Whether co-parenting or solo parenting, our logistics, finances, and energy levels take some hefty hits. But that's exactly why dating divorced men suits me. You get it! We share the understanding that kids come first, but we still own ourselves - our dreams, our expansive hearts, our time shared with other adults.
Baggage? No. I call it experience. The kind that makes connections richer, and men and women both - more compassionate.
Second - a word about all those other dads
It's not that I think any less of those men who don't have kids, are dads without benefit of former marriage, or who are widowers. But from the perspective of dating, common values and experience go far. Because I have dated men of all sorts, it's clear to me - for me - that when something as important as the experiences of marriage, divorce, and single parenting are shared experiences, then everything is that much easier.
Cranky, uncooperative ex? I get it. Last minute change in a schedule, and you need to pick up a child? I get that, too. Your world is my world. We speak the same language.
So whatever your reason for being a single dad, it might be something to keep in mind. Common experience common values = easier mutual understanding.
So why do I think Divorced Dads rock?
Divorced Dad values:
You understand what marriage takes, what works, and what doesn't. You treasure your children. You choose people to be in your life who will treasure them, too. And you are more likely to treasure my children. You also understand that intimacy is about talking, listening, and sexuality. All three. Including discussing sexuality. You are all about learning from the past, and building a blissful future.
Divorced Dads try harder:
Having been through the pain of disentangling a family unit, you never want to go through it again. More than likely, you've learned the value of give and take, of an unexpected compliment, or a cup of freshly brewed coffee to get the woman in your life through a late night at the computer. None of this costs a dime. It does take attentiveness and thoughtfulness. And you've learned that you deserve the same.
Single Dads (yes, all of you) have cute butts:
Okay guys, let's face it. As you age, you may be getting paunchy, the hair is starting to disappear, and that five o'clock shadow is coming in gray. I'll tell you - from personal experience (and that of the lovely, gracious, and hot mamas I know) - good humor, genuine caring, a smile, and a cute butt work wonders! And most men keep their cute butts well into middle age.
Think you don't have it going on? Think again. I just may commission that medal after all.
Surely a flirty French shoe designer in a past life, D. A. Wolf (a.k.a. Big Little Wolf) is a freelance writer, journalist, single parent, art collector, polyglot, traveler, and devotee of exquisite footwear & sultry lingerie. She believes we are all brimming with glorious contradictions, and capable of living fully with whatever life dishes out, and whatever we can make of it.
She currently writes essays on everything, including single parent dating, relationships, raising teens, surviving recession, sex, sexual politics, arts & entertainment, and whatever else strikes her fancy. You may read more at Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy.
(Soon moving to http://DailyPlateOfCrazy.com)
You may follow Big Little Wolf on Twitter, @BigLittleWolf.
WriteStuff - December 16, 2009
Thanks for the generous words of praise for divorced dads. I agree with La Justice, but that's now why I'm responding.
I've learned much watching and listening over the past year in the workplace and it seems that divorced women (at least the one's I've listened to) have reverted back to their sorority days with stories and innuendo that I find repulsive. I've had one date since my divorce and never again. I'd rather focus on my master's degree and returning to the full time work force than playing games with women who want to be 21 again. The money I save can be better spent giving to my daughter what I can't now with a little left over to travel the United States with my camera.
Talibah - November 23, 2009
I love this post. I can definitely see myself settling down one day with a divorced dad for many of the reasons you outlined. My boyfriend is a divorced father of adult children, so I get the added benefit of his having co-parented two children all the way into adulthood. How lucky am I?
BigLittleWolf - November 22, 2009
Oh, <i>La Justice</i> - it sounds like you haven't gotten a fair shake out of our family court system. It is, certainly, overloaded and with unfair results on both sides. It always seems to be the children who pay the price.
There are, indeed, many <i>very fine fathers</i> who responsibly and lovingly provide for their children - financially, logistically, and most important of all - emotionally. Kids need their parents; parents need their kids.
I wish I had a good answer for you. All I can say is that the divorced dads I've dated are wonderful, responsible, often self-sacrificing fathers who put their children first. Those are honorable men, and they are exactly the sort of individuals I want in my life.
La Justice - November 21, 2009
Fathers are great at providing, protecting, sharing and nuturing. They should be accorded equal mothers in divorce - that would be in the "best interests of children".
It is time we give fathers the same rights in families as we have given women in the workplace