If you and your kids are going to survive and thrive this new SingleDad world, you can't do it on your own. And the great news is, you don't have to. There are three people that are essential to newly divorced and newly single parents.
Newly solo? The three people you need most on your home team
| Author: Karyn Brinkley | Posted: 05/23/09 | ||
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Whether permanent or temporary, by choice or by accident, becoming a solo parent is likely to be one of the hardest transitions you ever face. If you're working outside the home as well, you may have just taken on two full-time jobs.
If you and your kids are going to survive and thrive this new solo-parent world, you can't do it on your own. And the great news is, you don't have to. There are three people you can call on straight away to help navigate the terrain.
First, you need your kids.
I have seen newly-solo parents take two approaches here: the first approach assumes their kids are traumatized (yes, probably) and need to be protected against any further disruption; the second assumes their kids see and know exactly what has happened and will know what they need them to do.
If your children are old enough to hold a conversation with you when you first fly solo, they're old enough to help you. They want to help you; it gives them a sense of greater control over their lives at a time when they are uncertain about many things. Sit them down and talk honestly to them about how you need them to help. There may be simple chores they can do to save you some time; it might be remembering some routines together that you weren't familiar with before; it might be talking together about what things you each could do to make the other feel better on days when nothing seems to be going right.
Think about a time at work when changes were going on around you that weren't being communicated properly with you; where you had no input and no control over what was happening to you, and no way of knowing what might happen next, or how you could protect yourself. Remember the anxiety? The confusion about what was expected of you? Your kids are probably feeling a lot like that now. Give them some clear, honest and reassuring messages: the world has changed, probably in a way they didn't anticipate and don't like, and things will be different from now on. But there are some things they can do right now to help themselves and you to get to a better place.
Second, you need your boss.
Often, the last place you want to bring your personal crises to is to work. In the past, you might have increased your focus on your work as a coping strategy to help deal with problems at home.
When you're suddenly flying solo, though, you need your boss to understand the new pressures you're juggling. There will be times when you might have to arrive late, or leave early, or be away altogether. Reassure your boss that you are still committed to doing a great job, and that you'll be working harder than ever while you're at work to achieve that.
Be honest in communicating to your boss where the new pressure-points are in your life, and be proactive in identifying ways you can do your job with greater flexibility. This is not the time to batten down the hatches; this is the time to think creatively about the work you do, the value you give your boss, and the ways in which you can work differently to manage these two full-time careers.
If you are your own boss, do all of the above just as diligently.
Finally, you need your best friend on your home team.
Be your own best friend in this situation. I'm not being trite. If you have supportive, caring friends around you to help, make the most of them; you'll do the same for them when they need you. But be your own best friend.
Acknowledge what's happened to you and your kids, and how hard that is. No matter how many other demands are being made of you (and there will probably be more than you can possibly manage), carve 15 minutes out of every day to take yourself out for a walk, a drink (coffee is fine), a joke and a slap on the back. Do it when you just can't find a way around a problem; or when you've just solved the problem. Either is fine.
Celebration or commiseration, you deserve 15 minutes a day with your best friend to bitch about how hard it is, toss around ideas on how to move forward, and work up the energy to get back to it again.
Flying solo doesn't have to mean flying alone. Start by seeking support from the people who can make a real difference to your success in this new life, and give them the chance to help. You'll all be better for it.
Copyright Karyn Brinkley, 2009
Karyn Brinkley is the founder of the Executive Solo Parents network and workingsingleparents.com. Based in Queensland, Australia, Karyn juggles being a solo parent of her son, now 13, with a busy executive career managing a large team of professionals. She has postgrad qualifications in organisational change and communication management, and has worked in government, higher education, transport, primary industries and marketing sectors.
