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Legendary Cubs Hall of Famer Ernie Banks Elected Honorary President of Fatherhood Educational Institute

Left to right, FEI advisory board member and former New York Giant Gordon Bell, FEI President Emeritus attorney Jeffery Leving, Honorary President Ernie Banks, FEI board member matrimonial attorney James Hagler and FEI supporter, matrimonial & appellate attorney Andrey Filipowicz.

Legendary Cubs Hall of Famer Ernie "Mr. Cub" Banks was elected Honorary President of the Fatherhood Educational Institute (FEI). FEI is a non-profit organization founded by nationally recognized family law attorney Jeffery M. Leving. The non-profit is dedicated to promoting positive fatherhood involvement in all communities.

Mr. Banks became involved with FEI because he was impressed by its outreach programs and seminars. The Cubs Hall of Famer was especially admiring of FEI’s fatherhood educational seminars, which allow men to gather together and talk about some of the stresses of modern fatherhood, as well as its Virtual Visitation Initiative, which aims to foster greater connection between children and fathers who are physically removed from their families because of disability, illness, military service or incarceration.

For more information about the Fatherhood Educational Institute call Jennifer Whiteside at 312.795.9060 and visit www.fatherhood-edu.org.

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Home » Ask A Lawyer » Holiday Child Custody: Top 10 Dos and Donts

Great holiday advice for the Single Parent. Holiday Child Custody exchanges can be challanging. Learn the top 10 dos and donts for this holiday season of CoParenting.

Holiday Child Custody: Top 10 Dos and Donts

Author: Hayley Hofbauer, Editor,TheSingleMotherDiaries.com

Posted: 11/21/11

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Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts in Child Custody Exchange

Whether you are in the early stages of divorce or years into a custody/visitation arrangement, ‘interfacing’ with your ex can ignite a huge laundry list of negative emotions. This is why you are divorced. The problem is, when you have children with someone – you are tied to them for life. Even when you would like to burn your marriage license and toss any photographic evidence of your relationship into the garbage, you will be dealing with you ex until your child turns 18. Hopefully, your feelings for your ex aren’t as toxic as I have just described, but negative residual feelings from a failed marriage are more common than not. I’ve heard it said that anger is like a poison to the person who tolerates or thrives off it. When you are working through feelings of anger, disillusionment and/or betrayal, it sometimes feels impossible maintain your composure where your ex is concerned. The critical time of exchanging your child/children is sadly a common opportunity to argue with and belittle your ex. Not only is this unhealthy for you, but it is painful and potentially traumatic for your child/children. You can’t control your ex’s behaviour, but you can certainly make choices that will reduce a potentially volatile situation for yourself and your kid/s with the below DO’s and Don’ts during child exchange.

TOP 10 DO’S DURING CHILD CUSTODY EXCHANGE

1. Be on time. It is respectful of your ex and gives your kid/s a sense of stability and comfort in knowing that their Dad is reliable. This is the number 1 Do because it is the most important to your kids.

2. Have your kid/s meet you on the sidewalk or driveway when picking them up. There is no need to enter your ex’s home where drama can ensue. Your kid/s don’t want to see their parents fight at all, as it deeply hurts them and will fuel your hostility.

3. Ensure the pick-up time, location and duration of your parenting visitation/custody has been clearly arranged prior to the pick-up day. Confusion creates chaos which ignites negative feelings and bad behaviour between the ex’s. A parenting schedule and/or prior arrangements via email will keep your focus targeted on your time with your kid/s. A phone conversation or an in-person discussion at the pick-up time can spiral into other issues that are completely inappropriate in front of your child/children.

4. Try to arrange a pick up from school and drop off to school. This way you will not have to have any contact with your ex and make your time with your kid/s completely drama free.

5. Open communication. If your kid/s seem sad when you pick them up, ask them what’s bothering them before you leave the vicinity of their mother’s home. They may want to run back to get a toy or kiss their mother once more before leaving. If they know that you are sympathetic and understand their complicated feelings during this time of upheaval, they will likely appreciate having their voice heard and feel empowered.

6. Post a parenting schedule on a visible location. A schedule posted on a readily visible location like on a fridge will allow the kid/s a ‘map’ so they know what to expect.

7. Plan a fun activity. A fun activity or meal at the beginning of your time with your kid/s will reduce any confusion, sadness or intensity that may be present at the moment of exchange.

8. Bring a pet to greet your kids. This will bring your kid/s instant happiness!

9. Treat the exchange as a completely normal event. Don’t behave as if your visitation is a special occasion, as it is a normal part of their new family arrangement.

10. Respect the varying needs at different stages of development. Older kid/s and teens will likely assert their interests and preferences. You may have a new family with young kids and want to keep your teen in the same parenting schedule in perpetuity, but being social and asserting their independence is critical to a teens’ development. It may be inconvenient, but your teen needs to develop his life independent of you.

10 DON’Ts DURING CHILD CUSTODY EXCHANGE

1. DON’T show up with a date or girlfriend. Especially when your kid/s are young, they really need your full attention during their time with you. They may also feel guilty and/or sad that they are spending time with a new woman as opposed to their mother. As they get older they will likely enjoy your partner, but if you have young kids – focus on them. You may want to stick it to your ex by bringing another woman around, but this will surely instigate bad feelings, probably followed by bad behaviour.

2. DON’T invite your ex to join you on an activity or meal. You are not married anymore and this will be confusing to your kid/s. I know this sounds odd, as a good relationship with your ex sounds like a healthy goal. And it is. But there needs to be boundaries to keep your kid/s understanding of the new familial dynamic.

3. DON’T engage your ex in any discussions financial or otherwise. Conversations about money, custody, visitation, dating, etc., are totally inappropriate in front of your kid/s. If your ex is relentless with comments and/or questions, ask the kid/s to wait in your car, walk away and request that she put her questions in an email. DO NOT ENGAGE.

4. DON’T verbally disparage your ex. When you pick up your kid/s, you may not approve of their clothing, etc. If you complain about whatever issue you feel your ex is responsible for it only make your kid/s feel bad.

5. DON’T drill your kids about your ex’s personal life. When you pick up your kid/s, keep the conversation light and positive when you first receive them. They don’t want to be your spy; they want you to lavish them with love and attention.

6. DON’T force a visit with a hysterical and defiant child. It may be best to walk away if your child is inconsolable and doesn’t want to leave their mother. BUT, you need to investigate the nature of this defiance. It maybe that your child is very young and needs more time with his mother at this stage of development. Or, you may want to involve a family therapist to assist with whatever issue your child is facing.

7. DON’T use your child as a messenger. Your kid/s do not want to be an intermediary between their feuding parents. This is a highly unfair position to put them in.

8. DON’T be ridged in your schedule. You may have plans with your kid/s, but if he is sick or has school responsibilities you need to be flexible.

9. DON’T dismiss the possibility of a third party. Where there is high conflict, a third party either agreed upon or through the court can seamlessly transfer the kid/s between parents.

10. DON’T return your kid/s late and/or unprepared. Return your kid/s on time and with their proper clothing, e.g. winter mitts, and schoolbag.

Hayley’s Bio: The Writer of the popular blog: http://www.thesinglemotherdiaries.com/ - a comedic collection of the female perspective on Divorce, Dating, Parenting and Re-Invention. A Writer and Performer in Film, Television, Theatre and Advertising for the past two decades, my most challenging role to date has been as a single mother. Born and raised in Toronto, Canada, graduated with an undergraduate honors degree (BFA) in Screenwriting, Film from York University.