Single Parent and Co-parenting advice brought to you by SingleDad.com. Guest columnist and single parent LaSara Allen shares her article on the three simple benefits of the two-family solution.
A New View of Divorce: Three Simple Benefits of the Two-Family Solution
| Author: Lasara Allen | Posted: 03/10/10 | ||
|
|||
With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.
Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.
Benefit 1: You get a regularly scheduled kid-free vacation!
How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.
Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.
Don’t get me wrong—I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my man – or me and my thoughts – are of real benefit. This down-time, personal time, grown-up time, work time, r & r time, make-it-what-I-want-it-to-be time makes life better for all of us.
Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.
The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.
Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).
It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)
Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules. Even more important; never make the other parent’s rules wrong – unless you want to fight it out with the ex, and we all know that’s never pretty! In other words, always take it to the ex, first.
Another incentive to keep rule-agreements and respect for your co-parent as even-keeled as possible; when there is stress or strife, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense, and rebel against your rules in retaliation.
Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)
I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time. And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids.
In emergencies—financial or otherwise—it’s nice to know you’ve got a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.
The two-family solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where you share family holidays. If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family—that’s a lot of family! And a lot of love and support when you and the kids need it most.
This is the response of the post-divorce generation; as those of us who were raised in what were then called “broken homes” have grown, fallen in love, married had babies, divorced, and remarried, we have decided to make divorce less of a home-breaking, and more of a home-making. Two homes, but at heart, still one family.
As our children grow, marry, have children of their own, and perhaps divorce, we know we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.
Lasara Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasara speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Lasara is a columnist at Elephant Journal, and a regular contributor at EnlightenedMindJournal, singledad.com, contributor at eHow.com and eZineArticles.com, and more. Her work has also been featured extensively in print.
Over the years. Lasara has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008.
Lasara is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more at www.LasaraAllen.com.
