Gen-Y guide, Sarah Newton, helps SingleDad.com members communicate with their teenagers. Is Parenting Advice the answer? How to communicate with clarity and confidence.
Are You Stuck in the Parenting Spin Cycle?
| Author: Sarah Newton | Posted: 10/22/09 | ||
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Problems with your teenagers, school work not up to scratch, daily arguments about getting up, going to bed, doing homework, curfew times; the list could go on and on. You want some tips, some advice for supporting your teenager and you want it quick! Before you reach for a Google search and type in “Help with My Teenager”, just pause for a moment and ask yourself if you could be putting yourself on the spin cycle when it comes to your parenting.
So what do I mean? OK, so I am sure most parents can resonate with this…you have a challenge, you reach for the nearest parenting tip, use it and either it doesn’t work, works once and then stops working, or does not have the desired effect you wanted. Why is that? Does it mean that you are a totally useless parent? If these tips have worked for others then why is it having no effect in your home? It must be the tip, right….ridiculous parenting experts, what do they know anyway! Well, truly it is neither; it is just that they are not telling you the whole truth. So I am going to put my hand on the Bible here and tell you the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
The thing is, you see, there is no quick fix. I know you want it and I know you don’t want to hear this, but it is true. I am a big champion for everyday solutions to everyday problems and the advice I give to some clients will work instantly, while for others, it will take months. After over 4000 hours coaching in this field I stumbled the other week on the answer, which when you think about it is so obvious. Believe it or not, human-to-human communication is 93% non-verbal, yet most parenting advice concentrates on the other 7%, words. The remaining 93% is largely neglected. You can do and say all you read and follow the advice to the letter, but if your non-verbal communication is saying something different, then your teen picks that up and the tip does not work.
So you keep trying new tips and advice and things to say and do and the 93% stays the same, so you just go round and round and nothing changes……you are stuck in the spin cycle.
Let’s take a classic example, curfew times. The parent wants to trust the teen and reads a tip that says to negotiate with their teen about curfew time, so they go into the negotiation thinking that they have never got in on time before, so how is this going to work. Nevertheless, they try and negotiate, which is most likely done with a defensive body posture and rolling of eyes. The teen picks this up, getting the message that the parent wants to negotiate but doesn’t really trust them and this negotiation is really just another Do as you are told exercise coated in sugar. The negotiation breaks down and the teen comes in after curfew….
So, let’s pick that apart. I believe there are simply four basic parts to great parenting; your view, your intention, your speech and your actions.
In the above example,
Parent’s View – I don’t trust my teen
Parent’s Intention – I want my teen to come in when I say
Parent Speech – “What we are doing is not working and you are not coming in on time; let’s make an agreement about you coming in on time.”
Parents Actions – Parent ask how they will ensure they stick to the agreement, does not really listen to the answer and the negotiation breaks down
Let’s look at the flip side with the same scenario:
I am a true believer that curfews do not work and that the responsibility for your teen getting in on time should be theirs. No, this is not a fantasy! I have spoken to enough parents who use this technique to know that they are the only parents I ever speak to that have no problems with their teens coming home at night!
Parent’s View – I trust my teen to be responsible
Parent’s Intention – I want my teen to show me they can be responsible.
Parent’s speech –“I really trust and you and believe you can be responsible, so let’s make an agreement about what time you come in”
Parent’s Action – Parent talks openly, telling them their concerns. They listen and their actions show the teens they want to hear them. They come to a suitable agreement.
So really when we, as parenting experts, give you the what to say and what to do to make your parenting more effective, you should be working on the view you have of your teenager in any given moment and the intention you have because, let me tell you, if they don’t match your words and actions, then onto a fast spin you will go….
So be honest with yourself, how do you view your teenager and what are your intentions when you speak with them? Are you intentions really to get them to do what they want?
So turn off the washing machine, get the clothes out, hang them on the line and do something different…
Sarah Newton the UK's Top Teen Coach and a strong advocate for Teen empowerment, personal leadership and development. An ex-police officer, Sarah's life changed when the 15-year-old boy she led to a cell committed suicide because his life wasn't worth living. She dedicated the next nine years of her life working with Teens to discover how to make a difference in the lives of young people who seemed unreachable. www.genyguide.com
