RJ Jaramillo, founder of SingleDad.com shares his interview on a single parent radio show: Top 3 List on Single Parent Dating and my personal opinions on the importance of having a good relationship with your daughter that will help shape her future relationships.
Fathers Shape Daughters
| Author: RJ Jaramillo | Posted: 01/25/10 | ||
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I was recently interviewed on a single parent radio show about my dating habits and how I choose the women I date. I was asked to make a “top 3 list” on things I look for in a woman. While doing this, I became aware of a more powerful parenting topic: father and daughter relationships and how fathers shape their daughters’ future relationships with men. Here is my “Top 3 List on Single Parent Dating” and my personal opinions on the importance of having a good relationship with your daughter that will help shape her future relationships.
What I look for #1: What’s Her Relationship with Her Parents?
I always want to know the relationship that a woman has with her parents, especially with her father. I know this may sound strange, but when I ask this question I want to know their past and present relationship. Do they see or talk to each other often? Is there an absence? What is the frequency of contact? Some of this information can really open up a can of worms and I have been caught off guard when I hear a painful story unfold. Now, in all fairness, I try to remain impartial and understand both sides. But in cases of stories where the father and daughter no longer have a relationship, what has surprised me the most is the lack of forgiveness from the fathers. They felt there was more value in punishing the other person with silence and absence, then forgiving someone of their mistakes, misunderstandings or miscommunication. I have dated women with poor relationships with their parents and I feel that these women, who have little or no understanding of offering or accepting an apology or practicing forgiveness, just shut down and move on when relationship issues arise.
Father and Daughter Tip #1: It’s never too late to apologize.
Make the time, be present and teach your daughter the power of an apology and the emotion behind forgiveness. I know I am not perfect. I have allowed too much time between poor behavior and apologies at times. I feel that most fathers don’t understand the importance of catching their faults early. What I see far too often in men is that they will just “play nice” the next day and allow their nice demeanor portray the apology. This is not the same as an apology. This pretend game is called the silent treatment and it is not good. You are allowing the hurt emotions of the relationship to become trapped and unresolved. This is not teaching our daughters how to resolve conflict and they will take this behavior with them into their future relationships. My solution to this problem is simple. I promise myself not to let too much time go past, be present with my daughter, and address my actions and why I am asking for her forgiveness. This is a good way to teach our child humility, humanity and most importantly emotional connection. If we want a connection, there is no better way than to be human and create that emotion through an apology.
What I look for #2: Frequent use of Profanity
I don’t like to hang around people who use a lot of profanity, especially in the women I date. Being a father and having three children, I have to set an example. If I am dating a woman who is swearing a lot, what message am I sending to my kids on my beliefs? Having a foul mouth in front of your children is not teaching good behavior. I know this applies to both men and women. But as far as dating is concerned, I shy away from women who seem to use a lot of profanity in their everyday lives. Most of these women that I have met are single parents and have children. What surprises me the most about these mothers that curse is that they don’t think that it affects their children. It’s even worse when you hear them discipline their children randomly for using profanity. This “I can do it because I’m your mother” attitude makes me very uncomfortable. Despite earnest attempts, I have never had a successful relationship with a woman who uses a lot of profanity. So, I just avoid dating women who swear a lot.
Father and Daughter Tip #2: Set a Good Example
As a Single Parent, I know I can only control 50% of my daughter’s time, but it’s safe to say that my ex-wife isn’t known to have a “Sailor’s Mouth”. With that said, I am more aware and make sure that I am not setting a poor example with swear words. In my household, I have more trouble with TV shows and movies than I do with my household vocabulary. But why I think it is important for fathers to be more aware of their use of profanity is because you are setting an example of what is acceptable language for communicating with others. Be more aware of what you are saying in front of your daughter. Be consistent in your dialog with your family and you will realize that you won’t miss those words when you stop using them. Remember; just picture your daughter somewhere in the future on a date with the ideal man. Your daughter will thank you later.
What I look for #3: Dating Age Appropriately
I look to find woman who date men who are relatively close to their age. I think it says a lot about a man or a woman who dates age appropriately. I’m not trying to play psychologist, I’m just making an observation on men and women who date in the same age group. I’m 45 years old and I have dates women of all ages. For a variety of reasons, it is always a compliment when a man attracts a younger woman. But when it comes to dating women, it’s just as important for me to find compatibility outside of the bedroom. What this means is that I am more interested in a variety of qualities in a woman than just what meets the eye. I am looking for a woman who has a good relationship with her family, has a career and is confident with who she is and where she is going. I prefer a woman who is a single parent and who can relate to my every day struggles for balance. Communication and emotional balance is important to me in a relationship. We all need our “me time”, alone time, family time, and social engagements. Fitting in relationship time is part of the single parent dating life and I can accept those time constraints with patients and contentment.
Father and Daughter Tip #3: Set a Good Example (again)
I see too many newly divorced dads make a quick and easy decision to date a younger woman in front of their children. These women are 12 to 15 years younger and I don’t think that this is a good idea. Dating as a single parent is tough enough, but when your children are teenagers, dating a younger woman is not setting a good example, especially in front of your daughter. Try to imagine if the scenario was turned around and how you would feel about your daughter bringing home her new boyfriend who is about your age - you get the picture. This scenario has happened more often than not and most fathers wonder what they did wrong in their parenting their daughters. It’s already hard enough to date after getting divorced, why make it harder on your future relationship with your daughter? Nobody’s ever going to replace their mother, so do what is best and date age appropriate women. You will have better results in the end.
I hope this article has given you some insight. As far as my teenage daughter and I, I think our future looks good. We have our share of ups and downs but I remind myself that no parent-child relationship is perfect and it remains a journey in constant change. My daughter and I haven’t given up on our relationship and we both have the right attitude on working out our differences with respectful communication. I am far from perfect and am always close to my next discovery as a single parent on SingleDad.com
Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, 45, is the Founder of SingleDad.com, a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children. RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents “Make Life Happen…Again!”
