Deesha Philyaw, co-founder of CoParenting101.org, a resource for those who are parenting together after a break up, shows SingleDad.com members ways to be thankful for your ex.
What I'm Thankful For: A Co-Parent's Challenge
| Author: Deesha Philyaw | Posted: 11/19/09 | ||
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At this time of year, even folks with the hardest of hearts and the biggest axes to grind might pause to reflect on their loved ones with gratitude, however grudgingly. We can probably all think of at least one family (if it's not our own) where hatchets are buried, even if only temporarily, as the carving knife slices into the Thanksgiving turkey. Thanksgiving is also a time where many, if not most, children of divorce, like mine, are spending it with one parent, and not the other. So this Thanksgiving, I'm encouraging all co-parents who are observing Thanksgiving with their children to consider giving thanks, publicly, for their child's other parent. Yes, I said it: Give thanks for your ex.
No, I haven't started tossing back the spiked egg nog early. I'm serious. I'll even start:
This year, I am very thankful for my daughters' dad Mike, and their stepmom, Sherry. I appreciate them as my partners in parenting. They honor my relationship with our daughters, and they help me in countless ways, practically and emotionally, along my motherhood journey.
Now, if you're familiar with the site that Mike and I co-founded after our divorce, CoParenting101.org, you might roll your eyes at my little Thanksgiving speech: Sure, it's easy for me to give thanks because I don't have to deal with an ex who is combative, or a step-mother to my kids who wants to fight with me about socks (this really happens). Certainly, this exercise in giving thanks comes naturally to me because Mike, Sherry, and I are on very good terms. But for co-parents who aren't, I challenge you to make an effort to do it anyway. For your child's sake (more about that later), can you think of one thing about your fellow co-parent for which you are thankful?
Let me be clear: You are not thanking your ex for being a domineering, emotionally unavailable jerk, or cheating on you, or blowing the family's savings behind your back. Those are issues that need to be healed between the two of you, or by you alone. Giving thanks to your ex is a separate matter, the focus of which is neither your very valid complaints, nor your ex's failings. In order to thank your ex, you'll need to look at him or her with new eyes--your child's. And when you do this, you don't see the problems that led to your break up or the battles you've fought since; purely, you see "Mom" (or "Dad").
Now, hold on to that visual and what it means to your child. Through all the disappointments and dropped balls and late child support payments, you are still looking at one of the two most important people in your child's life. Be thankful for what she does get right.
Here are 10 things you may be thankful for regarding your ex:
- For partnering with you to make your child's life a safe haven from grown-up conflict in which she thrives and is comfortable and well-cared for in both households
- For putting aside your differences and working together when your child needs medical care or has academic concerns.
- For recognizing that even though you may have shared custody, you are both concerned parents 24-7.
- For being flexible when changes need to be made to your custody or visitation schedule.
- For paying child support on time.
- For not bad-mouthing you to the kids, despite some less-than-stellar behavior on your part.
- For supporting your discipline decisions.
- For asking your advice and opinions on issues related to your kids.
- For being prompt at pick-up times.
- For not sabotaging your attempts to introduce a new significant other to the children when the time and circumstances are right.
If you and your ex are in a really high-conflict co-parenting situation, you may have to scrap the bottom of the barrel to find something, but give it a try. One divorced co-parenting dad we know is thankful to his children's mother for being the vessel that brought forth healthy children whom he can't imagine life without.
If all else fails, and you can't bring yourself to be thankful for your ex as a parent to your child or as a parenting partner to you, perhaps you can express thanks that she's doing a better job at it now than she was last year. Progress counts!
Now you may be wondering: If your ex isn't around to hear your words of appreciation, then what's the point? Well, your kid will hear; that's the point. By giving thanks for your ex, you are affirming that your child needs both parents and is free to love both without feeling guilty or conflicted about it. Your words of gratitude will be for your ex, but it is your child who will be most uplifted and comforted by them.
Plus, dollars to doughnuts, your kid will tell your ex what you said.
In giving thanks for your ex, you have nothing to lose and so much to gain, like a happy kid. Your Thanksgiving thank-you could be the olive branch that your co-parenting relationship needs. After all, someone has to blink first. Why not you? Isn't your kid worth it?
And who knows? This being thankful stuff could become a habit--one that sticks with you and blesses your kids with a more peaceful family, albeit one across two households.
Deesha Philyaw is a Pittsburgh-based freelance writer whose publication credits include Essence, Bitch, and Wondertime magazines; and The Washington Post. She teaches as an adjunct writing instructor in Chatham University 's Master's of Professional Writing program, and she teaches adult writing classes at the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts. Along with her ex-husband, Deesha is the co-founder of CoParenting101.org, a resource for those who are parenting together after a break up. She graduated from Yale University with a B.A. in Economics, and from Manhattanville College with M.A. in Teaching. She is the mother of two funny, brilliant daughters.
Talibah - November 23, 2009
Great post, Deesha! I'm thankful for my son's father, too, as well as all the challenges and victories that have made our journey what it is.