While anger and loss are part of grieving this loss, most times revenge hurt your children far worse than your ex-spouse. The biggest mistake couples make during divorce is seeking revenge through the courts.
Deconstructing a life built together can be highly emotional, confusing, frustrating and painful. Many men want the process over quickly, but it usually isn’t that simple especially when children are involved. Men who are able to treat their ex-spouses like business partners, create a new relationship which aids in resolving difficult issues. Making a financial plan, family plan, child custody plan, and personal plan will help support you during this emotional transition. Divorcing requires flexibility, maturity, and cooperation when most find themselves emotionally exhausted.
Money issues change everyones civility. People equate money with self-worth: who worked, who didn’t, who deserves more, who doesn’t, how much do children’s needs cost, the list goes on and on. No matter how equitable, everyone feels cheated in a divorce, no one wants to separate their money, possessions, or children.
While anger and loss are part of grieving this loss, most times revenge hurt your children far worse than your ex-spouse. The biggest mistake couples make during divorce is seeking revenge through the courts according to my husband who is family attorney.
The "Do Not" list
- do not make false child abuse claims
- do not ask your children to choose between parents
- do not withhold child support
- do not abandon your children.
Therefore, how you behave prior to and during your divorce will have a huge impact on your children’s future relationships. If they only see conflict, they will seek out conflict driven relationships later in life. If they see abuse, they will seek out abusive relationships. Remember children model their parent’s behavior. So this is one of those moments when maturity matters.
Remember your children are also grieving the loss of their family. They, however, don’t have the same outside support systems that adults have to manage stress. They can’t call their friends to meet for coffee, go for a run, take a drive, or call their therapist. Younger children see themselves as the center of the universe and internalize that the divorce is all their fault. Teens internalize their anger over the separation and disruption by blaming both parents for the split. So when ex-spouses use child support, alimony, and future needs as a withholding tactic, your children are psychologically impacted the most. They feel dad/mom didn’t love them enough to pay for school, sports, or child support, and in turn they feel unlovable which can lead to a host of emotional problems. Taking care of your children emotionally as well as financially should continue to be your high priority.
Parenting is a lifetime commitment. Children fear that when you leave the house, you will leave their lives as well. To lose their only father is devastating. Therefore, your job now is to build a good life for yourself and your children
Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”