Communicating with Your Teen When All You Want To Do Is Pull Your Hair Out

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Gen-Y guide, Sarah Newton, helps SingleDad.com members communicate with their teenagers.

Conflict, which home is without it? And when it comes to teenagers, boy – do those conflicts really come! So how do you deal with them, how do you make your home more peaceful and happy for all?

I believe we can learn something from restorative justice techniques and ancient healing traditions and I shared with you the mindset shifts you would need to make. I will now move on and share with you the shift in communication style.


Teens and Communication

So I looked communication up in the dictionary to give us a starting point and it states . . .

The activity of conveying information. A connection allowing access. Allows people to exchange thoughts by one of several methods.

A few key things came up for me here.

Active — to me active means that we are engaged and fully present, making a decision to communicate.

Connection — it comes from a centre, a place of heart and its aim is to connect with the other person.

Exchange — it is two way! Yes, I hate to say it – they need to speak too and you need to listen.

If your child is not communicating with you at all, then I suggest you take a look at my articles on listening.

So if we look at communication as being an active, exchanging connection, then the whole picture changes, doesn’t it? Most communication with our children is merely us telling them what to do, has no real connection and is anything but active and purposeful.

If one looks back at conflict resolution and restorative justice, we see there is first a premise we need to take to our communication style.

1. Our aim is to re-connect — whatever the situation, this is the main aim of any communication.

2. Our aim is not to blame or make the other wrong, it is simply to connect at a very human level.

3. That we accept responsibility for harm we have caused and encourage them to do the same

4.We apologize for harm we may have caused and acknowledge the feelings of others. We also tell other how what they did made us feel in a non-blaming, non-aggressive way.

5.We want to look for beneficial solutions. We do not look for what we want and how to fix, we look for beneficial situations that will work for the family as a whole.

6. We see conflict as a natural occurrence of family life and a positive way for us to grow.

I think that this is the biggest and most freeing – if we accept conflict as normal ( which it is), we neither blame ourselves for not doing a good job, nor go into ‘victim mode’, feeling like we cannot handle the situation. We do not strive for a conflict free environment; we see conflict as a positive way for us to get more of what we want in our life and grow and learn. Just think how we would feel, less like a victim and more like a hero, if we could take this stance!


So lets look below at the old and new communication paradigms.

Old retributive communication styles

1. We talk about a child breaking the rules and think about punishment. We see it as a challenge to our authority. “You came in late and broke your curfew . . . you are grounded!”

2.We focus on establishing guilt and apportioning blame. “Did you do that to your sister? You should know better. You need to grow up!”

3.We see ourselves in a battle with our teenager/child for power and we believe our job is to impose some kind of unpleasantness to get that person to do what we want. “You never do what I say and help when I ask . . . I am going to stop your allowance!”

4.We focus our attention on the right rules, adherence and process to get our child to conform.

5. We see their taking accountability as a loss or a punishment.

New Restorative communication styles

1. We see the misdemeanor as causing harm, not challenging us as an individual. We focus on the child taking accountability, which is defined as them understanding the impact of their action. “When you come in late I feel as if what we want is not important. How are we going to put this right?”

2.We focus on problem solving. “OK, we both live in the same house here and we need to get along. How can we do that and make sure we all get what we need?”

3. We focus on dialogue and everyone is involved and gets a say. We focus on reconciliation. “We do not share responsibilities fairly in this house. We need to sit down as a family and discuss how we can make this work for everyone.”

4. We place our attention on the relationship. Our desired result is to focus on the relationship, not harm it.

5.We see accountability as a consequence of a choice and work with the child to make different choices.

I imagine that as some of you read this it is not easy to hear, maybe it goes against what you think is right, perhaps your relationship with your teenager is not even in a place where this is possible yet. Whatever is going through your head is fine; most of what I teach is against the norm. However, from working in some of the most challenging situations, I know this stuff works and I know it turns around relationships and very difficult children!

Richard JaramilloRichard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”

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Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com, a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children. RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents “Make Life Happen…Again!”