Ask SingleDad: Single Woman, Dating a Single Dad

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Ask SingleDad is the number one resource for Single Parent Dating Advice. This week, a Single Woman wants to know when is the right time to meet her boyfriend’s kids. You will be surprised by our answer… Read more.

Ask SingleDad: Single Woman, Dating a
Single Dad

Ask
SingleDad is the number one resource for Single Parent Dating Advice. This week,
a Single Woman wants to know when is the right time to meet her boyfriend’s
kids. You will be surprised by our answer… Read more.

Dear Ask SingleDad,

My
name is Grace and I am a Single Woman, Never Married and have no children. I
initially began a relationship with a Divorced Dad over two years ago; approximately
one year after his relationship with his ex and the mother to his two children
(now 4 and 6) had ended. After a very short time I became certain that this was
the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, a feeling that I had
never experienced before despite having had three serious past relationships (I
was 28 at the time), and my feelings about this have not lessened in the two
years since I first felt them.

Unfortunately,
after we had been together five months, we stopped seeing each other. It was
clear that he was not ready to move on from his past due to the guilt and sense
of failure he felt and his belief that if he allowed someone new to become too
close; he would get hurt again.

Ask Single Dad

The Move-In

Over
the following year we remained in contact, mostly via phone and text. Last New
Year’s Eve, he told me that he felt he was ready to commit to a relationship
with me, and we have been back together ever since. My Single Dad is now living
with me, which has occurred gradually over the last couple of months, except on
the nights that he has his kids, which during those times, he stays at his
parent’s house with them.

During
the whole time we have been together he has told me that he would like me to
meet his kids, but so far nothing has happened. My Single Dad has claimed that
the reason why he has not introduced me is because he believes that if he
doesn’t introduce his kids to me then his ex won’t introduce them to any
potential new partners that she has.

family

Meeting the Kids

To my
knowledge, his ex-spouse has not had any serious new partners, nor has she
introduced anyone to the children, (apparently she did have a casual encounter
with a man that my Single Dad knows and describes as a very inappropriate man).

So, in
reality, my relationship with my partner is now over two years long, although
for arguments sake I am willing to look at it as being seven and a half months
long since we got back together, and I think that in order for us to truly know
that it is sustainable it is well past time for his children to meet me. However,
when I have mentioned this idea in the past, he always says the same thing – he
is not ready to think about his ex doing the same thing, so therefore he is not
willing to do it himself, (if I push it any further he becomes irritated so I
have just stopped bringing the topic up altogether).

family

My Worry

I am
worried that this introduction will never happen and I feel that I am at a
standstill as long as the conditions are based on the ex-spouse’s status. I
would greatly appreciate the view of someone such as yourself who would
understand my partner’s feelings better than I do.

What
is your advice or insights?

Grace
in Georgia

Dear Grace,

There
is a lot of information to digest in your letter. I think the best approach I
can offer you is to play "both sides" of your story. Since I only see your side
of things, I need to do my best to help you see and hear the other side of your
situation.

latina

From your Point of View

Your
concerns are valid and I am worried that you have opened up your home too soon
for this man. Right now, he has a good thing going and no incentive to change
the way things are unless you are willing to kick his butt out of your home and
give the two of you the proper time and space to measure what’s important for
BOTH of you.

You
got to be strong and stop playing nice to this man if you want him to respect
you. Right now, he has got it easy. His excuse, I mean explanation on why he
cannot be the "first" to introduce you to the kids is a story… Call him out and be strong enough to
stand up to the consequences, even if he moves out! If he wants a relationship
with you; it must be on respectful and equal terms with you.

There
is a saying that my mother once told me and it holds true to today: "When you
open her legs, you open heart" and right now Grace, you are in deep! It’s time
to put your needs first and sit your Single Dad down and set a realistic time
and date on a calendar to meet these kids and get the drama over…

black couple

From a Single Dad Point of View

Who are you dating? My kids or me? It’s only been 7 months
and I want to make sure that we are on solid ground before I make that kind of
commitment. Time is relevant and I am not going anywhere without you. I think it is important for the two of
us to have a relationship that has worked out the "drama" between the two of us
before my kids are involved.

Do I have post-divorce guilt? Yes, and I do need for the two
of us to get some help through some counseling together so you can understand
how you can help. I see this counseling more like "coaching" and it scares me
at times because I can’t go back in time, however, I have these moments where I
reflect on choices and consequences of my past. It is normal to have
post-divorce depression or guilt. This does not mean I am contemplating
reconciliation; it just means that I need help to process my feelings and learn
new ways to cope with my divorce transition. There are times when I feel afraid
to share these feelings because you look at me in a way that you feel that they
are about you.

I need your support to understand the feelings that I have
difficulty expressing right now.
My children will be part of our lives and I need you to be patient with
me and help me get the support that I need right now with my post-divorce
transition.

These are my thoughts for you to look at Grace. Choose what’s best for your situation and go for it.



Good Luck and keep me posted.

Are
you Dating a Divorced Dad? Ask
SingleDad

AskSingleDad wants to help you understand Single Parent
Dating from a Men’s perspective. If you are a single woman dating a divorced
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will be posted and your name will remain anonymous.

Richard JaramilloRichard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”