Hollywood’s recent release, It’s Complicated, starring Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep has touched on a pretty interesting topic amongst the male divorced community. Post divorce reconciliation happens more often than you think and SingleDad.com looks into the top 5 reasons why.
Hollywood’s recent release, “It’s Complicated” starring Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep has touched on a pretty interesting topic amongst the male divorced community. As it turns out, “It’s Complicated”, is not that complicated after all. Post divorce reconciliation happens more often than you think and SingleDad.com looks into the top 5 reasons why some men go back to the wives and lives they once had.
1. The Dust has Settled
Sometimes our ego and pride influence rash divorce decisions. Now mind you, there are two sides to every story, so I’m not going to go into all the reasons why things happen the way they happen. Sometimes men tend to overreact in the heat of the moment, (Okay everyone, I said it). Whether there is adultery involved or other hurtful things that make us want to react suddenly. Sometimes when the dust settles, we find that time to reflect and just say, “What the hell just happened to my life? I want it back to the way it used to be.” It is during this time that the newly divorced father may realize that the life he left wasn’t so bad after all. This source of introspection causes men to be more emotionally balanced. After a little time, things look differently. The things that happened in the past are now forgivable. More importantly, there was a reason why the man fell in love and married that special woman in the first place. The dust has settled, and he wants to come back.
2. The Kids
Let’s face it, when we were married and had them around all the time, we took it for granted. Once the custody schedule sets in, we realize the importance of spending time with our children. Most fathers who are newly divorced receive 50% custody of their children or less. This cuts into the holidays, birthdays, school, and social activities. What does this translate to? Well, there are only so many times we get to play “Santa” and “Tooth Fairy” and being a divorced father takes a big chunk of time away from both parties. This anxiety of not having the children around can also fuel the kind of self-reflection that makes him not just want to be a better father, but also want to be a better husband and human being. I am not surprised to hear from many members on SingleDad.com that their children caused them to consider reconciliation with their ex-spouses.
3. The Money
It’s a harsh reality most newly divorced fathers face when their new post divorce life begins, money is a huge factor. Many men in this situation look at their new life and can’t figure out how they are going to move forward with the financial consequences of child support and spousal support. This, “I can’t afford to be divorced” mentality can make the process of divorce stop altogether. Over the past year, the number of divorce filings dropped because most couples couldn’t afford to be divorced with the added costs associated with supporting two households. This is an overall good sign, because it tells me that people are now forced to “work it out” at home instead of the courtroom. Nobody wins in the courtroom except the lawyers and that’s only if the clients can pay.
4. Being Alone and Feeling Lonely
One of the most difficult conversations I have with men in my SingleDad coaching sessions about divorce and loneness. Men hate to be alone. I feel that most newly divorced men rush into their second marriage twice as fast as their former counterparts just because they hate being alone. Much like the movie, “It’s Complicated”, Alec Baldwin plays a typical man who remarries into a relationship that he ends up regretting for multiple reasons. He remarried for looks, and not substance. He forgot the importance of communication and having an emotional connection with a woman.. I think that most of us who jump into the new relationship too soon are still having the same challenges with loneliness and are not addressing the underlying problem which is recognizing the difference between lonely and alone. It took some time for me to realize the difference. It’s ok to feel lonely, but I know now that I am never really alone. They are two different words and two different circumstances but many men don’t know the difference. So as a result, many newly divorced men try to go back to their former wives and reconcile because they couldn’t handle the loneliness
5. Life is Too Short
You only get one life and life can move very fast especially during a divorce. For many men, being newly single and rebuilding a new life can be a daunting task. It takes time, discipline, and patients; and some men just don’t have them. For some men, life takes on a new meaning of scarcity. There is never enough time for anything. A feeling of being overwhelmed and constantly playing catch-up is what most men feel like after divorce. It’s a stressful, losing battle. They realize that this new single parent life is not the life they want anymore. Their dreams of independence and opportunity have not turned out the way they thought it they would. Life is too short, and for some men in this situation they need to go back and try to work things out with their ex-spouse before it’s too late.
Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”