My wife and I recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of our first date. We have a solid marriage, but like everyone, we’ve struggled with the changes that aging brings — including those that affect our love life. The good news: With simple adjustments, sex after 40, 50, 60 and beyond can be as satisfying as ever, strengthening your relationship rather than becoming a source of conflict and stress.
My wife and I recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of our first
date. We have a solid marriage, but like everyone, we’ve struggled with
the changes that aging brings — including those that affect our love
life. The good news: With simple adjustments, sex after 40, 50, 60 and
beyond can be as satisfying as ever, strengthening your relationship
rather than becoming a source of conflict and stress.
Sex and the Older Body
Age-related changes in
sexuality usually start between the ages of 40 and 50. Many women begin
to experience vaginal dryness, which can make intercourse uncomfortable.
Men start to find that sexy thoughts are no longer enough and need
hands-on help to become aroused. Even then, erections may not be as
enthusiastic or reliable as they once were.
Since the biological purpose of sex is to reproduce life, these
changes make evolutionary sense. As women and men leave their
reproductive years, there’s no longer an evolutionary imperative to
continue reproductive sex (i.e., intercourse). So there’s no biological
reason for older bodies to produce natural lubrication or erections.
The trouble is that many people believe that intercourse is sex —
and when intercourse becomes problematic, they think sex must be over.
That’s a shame. Retiring from being lovers makes a relationship less
intimate and ignores the deep human need to experience gentle touch.
Personal lubricants and erection drugs can help … for a while. And
yet, two studies of thousands of men over 50 show that fewer than 10
percent have even tried erection drugs, let alone become regular users.
Does this mean all these people have given up on sex? No!
The Evolution of Sex
their secret: Couples who continue to enjoy sexual intimacy in the
second half of life succeed by evolving their lovemaking away from
intercourse and replacing it with kissing, cuddling, whole-body massage,
erotic toys and oral sex — resulting in wonderful, orgasmic pleasure
What’s more, men don’t need erections to have orgasms. Yes, you read
that right. Even with an older, balky or flaccid penis, men can
experience climaxes that feel as enjoyable as ever given vivid erotic
fantasies and a woman’s loving — and vigorous — caresses.
Change is challenging — especially sexual changes. But when older
couples help each other through the transition away from intercourse,
they can discover a whole new realm of pleasure that brings a new,
richer intimacy to their relationship and deepens the love they share.
Michael Castleman has been a sex educator and sex counselor since 1973. He is the publisher of greatsexafter40.com and the author of Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them and Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality. Michael is a frequent contributor to Live Right Live Well.
Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”